Revisiting

After therapy, my thoughts, as usual, churned away. In a healthy way, that is.

Without knowing how I came to the conclusion or why, I knew that it was time to revisit the past and make peace with it. It was time to face my father again. The powerful fear of seeing him again needed to be defused and neutralised.

I hadn't seen him for 18 years. The last time I saw him, I couldn't look at him. I was 16 years old and he was meant to take my brother and I for a few hours for a meal and catch up. I didn't want to go. I sat in the back seat of our Tarago, wearing my jeans and ugg boots and just shook my head when he asked me if I wanted to go.

He wasn't a loving father or husband. He wasn't abusive as such towards me, but he had some creepy tendencies. As an intuitive teen, I was very, very sensitive to his behaviour. I never thought I would see him again - even to have a go at him about the divorce - I honestly didn't care. But I had to face the fear of seeing him again.

So, one ordinary Wednesday morning, I rang him out of the blue. After the initial shock, we agreed to meet. So, we did - the following Wednesday - yesterday, in fact.

It was a very strange meeting. Awkward. Difficult. I alternated between wanting to punch him in the face as hard as I could and begging him to say that he loved me and he was sorry for what he'd done. I noticed he hadn't changed, which is pretty much what I expected.

I don't miss having a Dad in my life. Jesus took the place of my earthly Dad when I was a scared, skinny pale teenager reeling from her up-ended life. But I'm glad that I did meet my earthly father and make peace with the past. Before, if I saw him by chance, I would have had a huge shock and probably needed a valium! Now, if I see him by chance, it will have no more power over me.

I'm glad I did it.

I'm glad I have my husband, friends and my precious heavenly Dad helping me throw off those heavy chains from childhood.

I'm so very, very thankful.

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