When Life Resembles a Train Wreck

There are times in life when you think everything is fine. You're working hard, moving forward and the passing scenery glides by as you stop every now and then to draw a big breath of beautiful fresh air before getting back to it.

But then you notice that the scenery moves a bit faster by you. So you put more effort into keeping up with all that's rushing by. Your temper gets shorter and the internal tears flow harder as you strain and sweat to keep up with life's pace.

Suddenly, the world is whirring past you at a cracking pace. You realise you've lost control. You're waiting for a sickening crunch that means that you've fallen off, fallen apart and it's over. It's both terrifying and thrilling.

Then one day, you find yourself haunched over on the side of a road with a random piece of sharp plastic in your hand trying to slice your wrist open so you can bleed. So you can finally relieve the deep throbbing inner pain of constant failure to keep up with the out-of-control, shrieking runaway train that your life has become.

The crunch is indeed sickening. It's beyond frightening. But it's also a sweet relief.

It's a relief when another person has recognised that things are not right. It's a relief when the scenery that sent your head spinning has now stopped. You're no longer out of control. It's a relief when that other person says, "I'll get help for you." and then sits there with the doctor, holding your hand while you shake, tremble and glare at the world with eyes glazed over with shame, suffering and defeat.

It's a relief to hear that there's some words to describe what's happening. It's like a glass of sweet, sweet water after a long and dusty summer in the desert to hear that you don't always have to feel the way you've been feeling and experience the thoughts you've been having any more. That there's something you can do about those words that describe the wreck you've become.

Anxiety. Depression.

Or, in my case - severe anxiety, severe depression.

The past two weeks have turned my life inside out. I have done things I never thought I would do. I have been places I never thought I would be. I have been terrified for not only myself, but my beloved children and husband.

But at the end of the day, I see God's hand at work in all this. I've had a prophesy spoken over me and it's JOURNEY. This is part of my journey. I'm not going to hide it or be ashamed of it. So many of us are affected by those two words that are so full of memories, pain and meaning: anxiety and depression.

It's time to look it in them in the eye, acknowledge them and work through as best we can - with support from our family, friends, our heavenly Father and our local mental health services. It's time to stop fighting, clawing at it and feeding it. It just is. It's time to gather some tools and work forward again.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Comments

  1. thanks for sharing this my dear sister and friend

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you. These words are so important. You have written so well here, terrifyingly well. Praying for you and yours so much right now.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Trim Healthy Mama

Keeping it at Home

A String of Simple Things