The Continuing Journey of Perseverance
Waiting nervously in the doctor's office, I flinched when the door opened.
"Uh, Maya?" he said, a hint of nervousness in his voice. "That pregnancy test was not negative."
My stomach clenched as I blurted, "What???"
He repeated the news and thus began a journey that was like watching a car accident in slow motion. A 'viability scan', a blood test and a rather spectacular scene with my husband when I got home from the doctor's appointment which culminated in me sleeping in a different room that night, broken and hurt.
Somehow, despite precautions, our seventh baby (healthy and well) is due to arrive, God willing, in early November. I have learned so much about what it's like for women who experience an unwanted pregnancy. I wouldn't go as far to call myself a hypocrite, but I now understand how difficult it is when you think you're going to be 'free' from pregnancy then you're not. All of a sudden, one's whole existence is based on a microscopic human being who has no awareness of the storm that's been stirred up based on their unwelcome and surprising appearance.
I'm now convinced more than ever that the prescription of contraception is a major cause leading to women and their partners choosing to abort their baby. If you think you're not going to conceive a baby, then it's like swerving violently around a hairpin turn when you find out that you have indeed conceived.
My own selfishness, heartlessness and cruelty has been exposed to myself since that day on March 5th, when I discovered that I was indeed going to be going through yet another pregnancy, another labour, breastfeeding establishment period, sleepless nights and just months of sheer hard work - all I could see in the initial period after finding out about Lawson #7. While others talked about blessing, restoration, cuddles and another baby to enjoy, all I could think about was the hard stuff about having babies.
Before anyone starts thinking that I've been self-hating and self-harming again, I haven't. I'm just being honest about how the news about baby has made me feel. I'm still pro-life. I abhor abortion. I still love babies and I will still love our new little Lawson just as much as the others that have joined our family: all but one of them a surprise!
The hardest thing for me has been the use of contraception: I thought we were 'safe' and we weren't. I'm still struggling with the whiplash! I've also struggled with God's purpose behind all this - I'm working out that I'm a slow learner and God's showing me what it's like to be on the 'other side of the fence' - feeling alone, scared, tired and facing a huge mountain to climb when it's the very last thing you feel equipped for or feel like doing!
It's difficult to be different. It's hard to say 'Yes' to God, then find out that He actually will plan your steps and do wonderful and terrible things to your body, your mind and your heart. It's hard - but brings hope, character and teaches perseverance.
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. Romans 5:3-5
This verse is keeping me going at the moment. Pain, suffering and difficulty are part of the journey of life, which we all can choose to learn from or be beaten by. At the moment, going through pregnancy nausea, fatigue and hormonal episodes, I'm just enduring! When I am suffering and developing my character and perseverance skills, my feelings pour out of every orifice of my heart, mind and soul at an alarming rate.
So here's a poem I wrote this week, reflecting on gentle baby finger thoughts undoing my stoic denial........
Your presence contradicts me
Thrusts my weakness into a raging spotlight
Everyone can see us
And I am tired of being seen in a harsh garing light
Kicking my feet and scratching my hands
Desperately, fiercely denying your existence
Is making me weary with shame
My prejudice slips out from under my skirt
My selfishness is alight
Blazing scorching burning my fragile skin
While I beg and plead
For dark cool water
A deep sick hopelessness is mine
As I think and pray and plan
Taking back my pledge to serve Him
Is tantalizing
The swell of my belly crashes on reality shores
The captain has a new commission
To go back to that familiar cove
Stand firm in the waves and dips on the trip
Push through to the sunny sky
Chipper winds
Waiting for me
On the other side
"Uh, Maya?" he said, a hint of nervousness in his voice. "That pregnancy test was not negative."
My stomach clenched as I blurted, "What???"
He repeated the news and thus began a journey that was like watching a car accident in slow motion. A 'viability scan', a blood test and a rather spectacular scene with my husband when I got home from the doctor's appointment which culminated in me sleeping in a different room that night, broken and hurt.
Somehow, despite precautions, our seventh baby (healthy and well) is due to arrive, God willing, in early November. I have learned so much about what it's like for women who experience an unwanted pregnancy. I wouldn't go as far to call myself a hypocrite, but I now understand how difficult it is when you think you're going to be 'free' from pregnancy then you're not. All of a sudden, one's whole existence is based on a microscopic human being who has no awareness of the storm that's been stirred up based on their unwelcome and surprising appearance.
I'm now convinced more than ever that the prescription of contraception is a major cause leading to women and their partners choosing to abort their baby. If you think you're not going to conceive a baby, then it's like swerving violently around a hairpin turn when you find out that you have indeed conceived.
My own selfishness, heartlessness and cruelty has been exposed to myself since that day on March 5th, when I discovered that I was indeed going to be going through yet another pregnancy, another labour, breastfeeding establishment period, sleepless nights and just months of sheer hard work - all I could see in the initial period after finding out about Lawson #7. While others talked about blessing, restoration, cuddles and another baby to enjoy, all I could think about was the hard stuff about having babies.
Before anyone starts thinking that I've been self-hating and self-harming again, I haven't. I'm just being honest about how the news about baby has made me feel. I'm still pro-life. I abhor abortion. I still love babies and I will still love our new little Lawson just as much as the others that have joined our family: all but one of them a surprise!
The hardest thing for me has been the use of contraception: I thought we were 'safe' and we weren't. I'm still struggling with the whiplash! I've also struggled with God's purpose behind all this - I'm working out that I'm a slow learner and God's showing me what it's like to be on the 'other side of the fence' - feeling alone, scared, tired and facing a huge mountain to climb when it's the very last thing you feel equipped for or feel like doing!
It's difficult to be different. It's hard to say 'Yes' to God, then find out that He actually will plan your steps and do wonderful and terrible things to your body, your mind and your heart. It's hard - but brings hope, character and teaches perseverance.
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. Romans 5:3-5
This verse is keeping me going at the moment. Pain, suffering and difficulty are part of the journey of life, which we all can choose to learn from or be beaten by. At the moment, going through pregnancy nausea, fatigue and hormonal episodes, I'm just enduring! When I am suffering and developing my character and perseverance skills, my feelings pour out of every orifice of my heart, mind and soul at an alarming rate.
So here's a poem I wrote this week, reflecting on gentle baby finger thoughts undoing my stoic denial........
Your presence contradicts me
Thrusts my weakness into a raging spotlight
Everyone can see us
And I am tired of being seen in a harsh garing light
Kicking my feet and scratching my hands
Desperately, fiercely denying your existence
Is making me weary with shame
My prejudice slips out from under my skirt
My selfishness is alight
Blazing scorching burning my fragile skin
While I beg and plead
For dark cool water
A deep sick hopelessness is mine
As I think and pray and plan
Taking back my pledge to serve Him
Is tantalizing
The swell of my belly crashes on reality shores
The captain has a new commission
To go back to that familiar cove
Stand firm in the waves and dips on the trip
Push through to the sunny sky
Chipper winds
Waiting for me
On the other side
I'm on the other side. In the exact opposite position. I would do ANYTHING for a baby :)
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your new baby <3