The View from the Crash Mat
I have fallen. Oh, how I have fallen. The dull thud of my hopes and dreams has crashed on the ground. This isn’t the first time. The past three years of my life seems to be a constant acrobatic stunt in which I fail to make it and then fail to make it and then fail........
My (figurative) knees are sore from wordless shouty prayers to God. I feel disrespectful, whingy and weak.
Yesterday, I spent the day in bed. I wish I could say it was a romantic dreamy day. But the truth of the matter is, I was exhausted. My main problem with this circus called life is that I think I should be able to perform this crazy stunt called motherhood perfectly the first time. My normal is everyone else’s crazy. So when I fall over from exhaustion, I often need the dull thud to make my eyes open up – to see that what I expect from myself is more than anyone can humanly do.
When the thud has happened, I lie there – stunned - wondering how I could have failed so horribly yet again. Then, above the din of my relentless tinnitus and scrunched shoulders and mad internal voices comes a whisper.
Accepting my apologies and scraping and tearful regrets and reminding me that His mercy and compassion is new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23).....and that yes, I could do better and yes, there is so much more I could do.
But first, before seeking the clean house, the learned and well-adjusted children, great marriage and wonderful wonders of wonderfulness - I must seek Him. Making time to read the Bible and pray is the vital skill in attempting this series of tumbles and turns through events and troubles and joys. And yes, to be honest, it's entirely possible to do so with six children under 9. It takes a bit of tweaking and a few creative ideas as well as a passion for becoming more like Jesus, but it's absolutely possible.
The beautiful thing about the endless crashing and thudding as I attempt yet another acrobatic trick in which the baby wakes up coughing, the husband is away and the older child constantly wets the bed and I'm struggling struggling struggling is that each time I fall, I learn something. It hurts to fall, so I try things a new way. I learn. It's not failing at life when we fail. It's OK to fall over! It's good.
This is life.
Crash. Think. Learn. Plan. Rest. Take a break. Get up. Chalk up. Try it again differently this time.
I have the best and gentlest gym coach (Isaiah 40:11).
I'm still catching my breath from the latest attempt at solo parenting with six children for 12 days, followed by illness in our family while attempting to grow a garden and cook, clean etc.......
It's been hard. I haven't leaned on God as I should have.........but I think that after 35 years of crashing and thudding, I'm finally learning what this frustrating cycle is for!
Let's try something new. Let's learn. Let's think. Let's try.......and in the process, gain perseverance, strength and skills (Romans 5:3-5). Those who believe in Jesus have hope that the constant thud and crash of another failed attempt is for something and isn't wasted.
Thus begins a new phase. I need to write. I will explode if I leave it any longer! So here's my first offering to you, world wide web - from a worn, injured but growing acrobat........attempting a new way of juggling, twisting and tumbling out here, beyond the edge of adventure.