Faking It

This is photograph was taken in Brisbane on November 22nd, 2013. My husband had just completed an intense 14-month course of full-time work and full-time study (simultaneously) and we were going out to celebrate!

I'd arrived in Brisbane by bus earlier that day and had wondered around the shops in our local town before my therapist appointment. I hadn't been able to eat breakfast because I was just so tired and anxious. I hadn't had anything to drink that morning, either.

I had walked around and around my favourite op-shop with energy but not knowing what I was looking for or what I was really doing. I was fidgety and nervous, yet I didn't know why because I was heading off for an amazing time away with my favourite person and our hard work was finally over!

At my appointment with my therapist, she made me eat a biscuit and drink some water once I had unloaded my burdens - "I can't eat and I haven't had anything to drink......" - before my bus trip to see my amazing hard-working husband.

We had a nice time that night - we went and saw "All Is Lost", a Robert Redford movie (see it if you can, it's really interesting even though it's about sailing, haha!). Dinner at Cha Cha Char on Eagle St Pier was exciting and delicious, as was going to an actual cocktail bar and actually ordering a cocktail that wasn't a pina colada or other mainstream drink (I ordered a 'White Lady', by the way).

This photograph tugs me in two different ways when I look at it.

I see a devoted couple celebrating their achievement, yet I see my thin neck and rounded shoulders. I love the brightness of the lights in the background, but I remember how that day I was at my lowest weight ever: 54kg - not an ideal weight given my 170cm height.

My husband's cheeky smirk makes me think about how he says I'm beautiful and how he feels so blessed to be married to me, but I see my smirk and know that it was pretty fake. I am such a good faker!

The thin veneer of a beautiful photograph hides a story behind it that is hard for me to ignore. After the death of two beautiful friends and a miscarriage just one month later, I hit the rock bottom of my existence. Eventually, God pulled me through that time and I have a testimony of victory after those dark times.

Sometimes, though, life gets a bit dim and I can't help but think that I'm still faking it. Still.

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